And everything will be just fine....

So, this might not be a "happy-go-lucky-I'm-in-France-yay" post. I'm struggling. I thought this time here would help me to accept and understand people from different backgrounds (American, French, black, white, children, adults, etc) better. But actually, it has done the complete opposite.

I always saw myself as someone that could be around and get along with almost anyone if I had to, no matter what conflict of interest or views. I was brought up to accept people how they are and not to judge them. I feel as though I do my best at this. In my situation, where, for your own sanity, you must find or form a "family" with the people that are around you and who you can relate the best with, which for me, obviously, is English speakers. And I would have thought that people here would be the "I'm opened minded, love traveling and exploring new cultures and accept people for who they are" like myself. Granted, most of them are or most of them have some of these qualities, but I often wonder, despite having these qualities, are they soulless? Do these people get personal gratification for making other people feel crappy?

I won't go into detail, because the details are not my point. But who the hell are these people and when do I get my true friends back?????? I've almost forgotten what it feels like to have true friends by my side, to catch me when I stumble, to be there to listen, to have a shoulder to cry on.

I've been wondering lately too, probably more often than I'd like, if my experience here would have been better if I would have been placed with different people or in a different area. My thinking: yes. I think I would have actually enjoyed myself more and not be so homesick. But, then again, maybe I'm wrong? Maybe this is the best there is. In that case, I guess I have to take it.

Can a few people ruin a really good thing? My mother always told me never to let other people's negativity get in the way of my fun. But how much negativity can one person take?

I can't wait to go home. I want to go home. I miss my family, my friends, my boyfriend, so much it makes my heart hurt every time I think about it. I'm counting the days, the hours, the minutes till I go. I love France and have enjoyed most of my time here, but I'm ready to go home. These people aren't me. My people back home are me. And I need them.

I know this post sounds depressing, but I'm just a bit down and out at the moment and don't have anyone to talk to here, so I guess I'll just let it out to anyone who wants to read it. But in the end, don't worry about me, I'll be fine, I always am, I'm Amanda :). I'll still get up and smile and go on with my day, though it probably won't be the real Amanda smile your used to, I'm saving those till I get home :)